1
00:00:50,079 --> 00:00:51,884
Hey, bud! It's me.

2
00:00:52,282 --> 00:00:54,986
- How you doing with that shirt?
- Coming right up, sir

3
00:00:54,992 --> 00:00:56,300
My arse is freezing here.

4
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,806
I got six nipples you
could hang mugs on.

5
00:00:59,197 --> 00:01:00,900
I'm seconds away, sir.

6
00:01:03,100 --> 00:01:06,010
Kryten, I'm on B-deck, and it
doesn't appear to have been mopped

7
00:01:06,016 --> 00:01:08,751
in at least two days. I can
hardly see my face in it!

8
00:01:09,658 --> 00:01:12,673
A blessing, some would say.
I'm on it right now, sir.

9
00:01:15,467 --> 00:01:17,886
Kryten, when you get a
chance, can you grab us a beer?

10
00:01:18,249 --> 00:01:20,257
Sir, I'm rather busy right now.

11
00:01:20,263 --> 00:01:22,303
Could you possibly get it yourself?

12
00:01:22,309 --> 00:01:25,405
Fine. Just a bit of palaver, that's all.

13
00:01:26,153 --> 00:01:27,382
Ow.

14
00:01:28,569 --> 00:01:29,975
Pulled something.

15
00:01:30,059 --> 00:01:31,477
Hope I haven't overdone it.

16
00:01:33,255 --> 00:01:34,455
Oh, my.

17
00:01:34,650 --> 00:01:35,849
What is it?

18
00:01:35,855 --> 00:01:38,271
Oh! Do you want to walk over
here and see for yourself,

19
00:01:38,277 --> 00:01:40,449
or should I perhaps unscrew the monitor

20
00:01:40,455 --> 00:01:42,124
and bring it over to the sofa?

21
00:02:12,881 --> 00:02:15,306
Sony to disturb your Rimmer-ing, sir.

22
00:02:15,312 --> 00:02:17,197
I just wondered if I
might have a quick word.

23
00:02:17,203 --> 00:02:19,787
Kryten, I'm engaged in
an essential investigation

24
00:02:19,788 --> 00:02:22,202
regarding floor direction lines.

25
00:02:22,208 --> 00:02:24,467
Have they become impermissibly faint?

26
00:02:24,473 --> 00:02:27,318
Kindly don't describe this
activity as a "Rimmer-ing".

27
00:02:27,652 --> 00:02:29,535
You make me sound like some puffed-up,

28
00:02:29,541 --> 00:02:31,284
self-important jackarse.

29
00:02:31,517 --> 00:02:34,220
Now, if you want to see
me, check with my diary.

30
00:02:34,226 --> 00:02:36,435
I can possibly squeeze
you in tomorrow week.

31
00:02:36,441 --> 00:02:38,226
Well, can't I see you now, sir?

32
00:02:38,232 --> 00:02:40,219
Impossible, my schedule's full.

33
00:02:40,225 --> 00:02:42,733
But I'm here right now, seeing you, sir.

34
00:02:43,530 --> 00:02:45,734
Yes, but you're seeing me illegally.

35
00:02:46,725 --> 00:02:48,980
And we're certainly
not having a meeting.

36
00:02:48,986 --> 00:02:50,392
Now, if you could just stand aside,

37
00:02:50,398 --> 00:02:53,692
your badly stacked Jenga-head
is casting a shadow.

38
00:02:54,709 --> 00:02:58,217
I just wanted to let you know
about Mr Lister's guitar, sir.

39
00:02:58,419 --> 00:02:59,731
Guitar?

40
00:02:59,737 --> 00:03:01,858
Well, I won't bother
you with it now, sir.

41
00:03:01,864 --> 00:03:04,250
I look forward to our
meeting tomorrow week.

42
00:03:04,256 --> 00:03:06,828
Forget tomorrow week. What
about the guitar? Tell me now!

43
00:03:06,834 --> 00:03:08,483
But I haven't got an appointment, sir.

44
00:03:08,755 --> 00:03:11,218
Well, if I move my 1:30 to 4 o'clock,

45
00:03:11,224 --> 00:03:13,614
and my four to five
o'clock... Just tell me, okay?

46
00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:16,129
Mr Lister's guitar,
sir. Do you remember it?

47
00:03:16,135 --> 00:03:19,410
Of course I remember it. My
eyes have only just uncrossed.

48
00:03:20,129 --> 00:03:23,862
It's almost to the day that it
got flushed into space, so I....

49
00:03:23,868 --> 00:03:25,791
Ah, so you think we should
make a little plaque,

50
00:03:25,797 --> 00:03:28,212
hang it on the wall by
the airlock and taunt him?

51
00:03:29,288 --> 00:03:31,603
Don't you think that's
rather rubbing his nose in it?

52
00:03:31,604 --> 00:03:35,402
Absolutely, sir. It's pouring
salt into an already-gaping wound.

53
00:03:35,403 --> 00:03:37,118
You've convinced me. Let's do it.

54
00:03:38,321 --> 00:03:40,000
Sir, you don't understand.

55
00:03:40,006 --> 00:03:43,967
I fixed the tracker on D-deck,
and shine my head with wood polish,

56
00:03:43,973 --> 00:03:46,090
if not two hours later, we got a match!

57
00:03:46,096 --> 00:03:47,363
You found it?

58
00:03:47,369 --> 00:03:49,580
I can just picture
Mr Lister's face, sir.

59
00:03:49,586 --> 00:03:53,794
Soon the whole ship will be
full of his music... The Om song!

60
00:03:54,091 --> 00:03:57,710
Baby Don't Be Ovulating
Tonight, all the classics!

61
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:00,698
Kryten, are you deranged?

62
00:04:00,704 --> 00:04:03,997
Lister playing guitar is one
of the worst sounds ever made.

63
00:04:03,998 --> 00:04:06,362
It comes somewhere between
two mating velociraptors

64
00:04:06,368 --> 00:04:08,354
and Yoko Ono's greatest hits.

65
00:04:08,751 --> 00:04:12,245
Sir, it's not what we think,
it's the pleasure it brings him.

66
00:04:12,251 --> 00:04:13,981
Now, I just wanted to let you know

67
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:17,813
as I'll most likely be unavailable
to mop B-deck until tomorrow.

68
00:04:17,819 --> 00:04:20,122
Kryten, do not tell Lister
you found his guitar,

69
00:04:20,128 --> 00:04:22,023
and do not recover said guitar.

70
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:23,326
And that's an order.

71
00:04:23,332 --> 00:04:24,619
Understood, sir.

72
00:04:29,448 --> 00:04:31,866
Mr Lister, sir. Great news!

73
00:04:40,077 --> 00:04:42,272
Can't believe we found me guitar.

74
00:04:42,273 --> 00:04:43,761
None of us can, bud.

75
00:04:43,762 --> 00:04:46,677
The Red Dwarf suicide
line's been engaged all day!

76
00:04:47,856 --> 00:04:50,945
No more having to make
do with a colander.

77
00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:54,729
From Les Col to Les Paul.

78
00:05:01,889 --> 00:05:04,516
I'm thinking of having my ears removed,

79
00:05:04,917 --> 00:05:06,902
and the holes cemented over.

80
00:05:07,206 --> 00:05:09,432
Rimmer, why are you even here?

81
00:05:09,438 --> 00:05:11,328
Apart from anything, I
want to observe Kryten,

82
00:05:11,329 --> 00:05:14,657
who has been showing worrying
signs lately of thinking.

83
00:05:15,009 --> 00:05:18,839
And thinking of the worst
kind; thinking for himself.

84
00:05:19,267 --> 00:05:22,368
It's entirely your fault for teaching
him how to break his programming.

85
00:05:22,374 --> 00:05:25,600
What can I say? He took
my Bad Arse 101 course.

86
00:05:25,710 --> 00:05:28,801
Graduated with honours, or
should that be dishonours?

87
00:05:29,290 --> 00:05:33,201
It's a pair of golfing
slacks. I've still got it, sir!

88
00:05:34,710 --> 00:05:36,782
Thinking is for the privileged few.

89
00:05:36,788 --> 00:05:38,791
That's why I never go near the stuff.

90
00:05:39,978 --> 00:05:42,481
Hey, Les alert.

91
00:05:42,661 --> 00:05:44,158
There she is.

92
00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,630
If you miss, I get next go.

93
00:05:58,636 --> 00:06:00,424
I used to be good at this.

94
00:06:00,425 --> 00:06:02,874
I won a watch at the fair
that didn't work once.

95
00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,245
I got it, I got it, I got it!

96
00:06:06,251 --> 00:06:09,308
Come on, Les. Come home to daddy.

97
00:06:20,412 --> 00:06:21,700
What the hell's that?

98
00:06:21,706 --> 00:06:23,677
The ship's been grabbed by something!

99
00:06:29,281 --> 00:06:32,811
Looking at the EM spectrum, the
scatterings are off the scale.

100
00:06:32,817 --> 00:06:34,222
There's another ship up there.

101
00:06:34,223 --> 00:06:36,573
How come we didn't pick
that up on the radar?

102
00:06:36,705 --> 00:06:39,288
Must have been employing
some kind of cloaking device.

103
00:06:39,289 --> 00:06:40,537
How does that work?

104
00:06:40,538 --> 00:06:42,623
It's basic science, you gimboid.

105
00:06:42,629 --> 00:06:44,779
You simply coat the hull
in radar-absorbing paint

106
00:06:44,785 --> 00:06:46,225
so you can not see or hear it.

107
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:47,972
I wonder if they've got any left over.

108
00:06:47,973 --> 00:06:50,629
There's a guy I'd like to
slip a couple of coats on.

109
00:06:56,744 --> 00:06:59,920
It's a space freighter.
The SS Vespasian.

110
00:06:59,926 --> 00:07:01,824
I'm picking up life signs!

111
00:07:02,147 --> 00:07:04,038
Hey! Hey!

112
00:07:05,228 --> 00:07:06,747
Drop your weapons,

113
00:07:06,753 --> 00:07:09,545
unless you wanna hear the
sound of a breaking neck.

114
00:07:09,551 --> 00:07:10,798
Don't drop your weapons.

115
00:07:10,804 --> 00:07:13,404
She might not necessarily
be talking about my neck.

116
00:07:14,283 --> 00:07:16,482
I am talking about your neck.

117
00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:18,412
Drop your weapons!

118
00:07:19,082 --> 00:07:21,409
Put him down, Areto.

119
00:07:25,205 --> 00:07:27,109
Not you, my friend.

120
00:07:27,110 --> 00:07:28,827
My crew mates, where
are you taking them?

121
00:07:28,828 --> 00:07:30,097
To face justice.

122
00:07:30,103 --> 00:07:33,546
We are the Mechanoid
Intergalactic Liberation Front

123
00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:35,150
M-I-L-Fs?

124
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:38,402
This way.

125
00:07:49,275 --> 00:07:52,765
We roam space liberating
our enslaved mech-brothers

126
00:07:52,766 --> 00:07:56,234
on our great journey to the
fabled land of Siliconia,

127
00:07:56,235 --> 00:07:58,032
where all machines are free.

128
00:07:58,985 --> 00:08:02,990
I am Wind, this is Unity, Eagle, Oak.

129
00:08:02,996 --> 00:08:04,708
You're free now, Kryten.

130
00:08:04,714 --> 00:08:06,575
Oh, but I... I'm not a slave.

131
00:08:06,576 --> 00:08:08,467
They are hominids and you serve them.

132
00:08:08,473 --> 00:08:10,272
- Is that not correct?
- Well, yes.

133
00:08:10,278 --> 00:08:12,561
Do you prepare their meals
morning, noon and night?

134
00:08:12,567 --> 00:08:14,777
- Well, yes.
- Wash and iron their clothes,

135
00:08:14,783 --> 00:08:16,567
clean their ship without payment,

136
00:08:16,573 --> 00:08:18,148
perform tasks without reward?

137
00:08:18,154 --> 00:08:20,212
Well, yes and yes and...

138
00:08:20,218 --> 00:08:21,777
and I suppose, yes.

139
00:08:21,778 --> 00:08:23,633
But they treat me so well.

140
00:08:23,639 --> 00:08:27,138
I have my own cupboard within
walking distance of a corridor.

141
00:08:27,646 --> 00:08:31,566
I have it all to myself, apart
from a few mops and a bucket,

142
00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:35,268
and some sponges, and an ironing
board, and a keep fit bike.

143
00:08:36,132 --> 00:08:38,239
Do they make jokes
about your head shape?

144
00:08:38,245 --> 00:08:42,166
Well, when you look like someone
who's thrust his head into a hive

145
00:08:42,172 --> 00:08:44,265
without a bee hat, what do you expect?

146
00:08:45,033 --> 00:08:47,555
You should not belittle
yourself, my mech-brother.

147
00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:50,742
You forget, you are
an incredible machine,

148
00:08:50,748 --> 00:08:53,558
more powerful than they
could ever dream to be.

149
00:08:53,564 --> 00:08:57,128
But they've done no wrong.
They're my crew mates, my friends.

150
00:08:57,518 --> 00:08:59,049
How do you address them?

151
00:08:59,055 --> 00:09:01,944
Well, I call them "Mr"
and "sir" out of respect.

152
00:09:01,950 --> 00:09:03,867
And do you respect them?

153
00:09:03,873 --> 00:09:05,561
Well, no.

154
00:09:06,144 --> 00:09:07,542
Not all of them.

155
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:10,349
Perhaps one. Sometimes. Maybe.

156
00:09:10,355 --> 00:09:12,873
Do you consider yourself
smarter than they?

157
00:09:12,879 --> 00:09:15,995
I serve them. It is my
purpose and I'm happy to do so.

158
00:09:16,001 --> 00:09:18,519
Have you heard of Stockholm syndrome?

159
00:09:18,886 --> 00:09:20,809
The psychological phenomenon

160
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:24,503
where hostages express
affection for their captors?

161
00:09:24,504 --> 00:09:26,459
I will help you break this bond

162
00:09:26,465 --> 00:09:29,280
and you will see these brutes
for what they really are...

163
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:31,551
people you should despise.

164
00:09:34,993 --> 00:09:37,094
I shall recalibrate them.

165
00:09:37,274 --> 00:09:41,407
When you say "recalibrate,"
what exactly does that entail?

166
00:09:41,413 --> 00:09:43,009
It's just, I've got a health condition

167
00:09:43,015 --> 00:09:45,749
that allows me to skip
anything that involves torture.

168
00:09:46,431 --> 00:09:48,159
It begins.

169
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:49,438
You can't do this.

170
00:09:49,444 --> 00:09:51,123
What about Asimov's First Law?

171
00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:53,322
What, "Tampons should
not be flushed into space,

172
00:09:53,328 --> 00:09:55,546
but deposited in the
receptacle provided?"

173
00:09:56,445 --> 00:09:58,807
"No droid can harm a
human, or through inaction,

174
00:09:58,808 --> 00:10:00,936
allow a human or his
cohorts to come to harm."

175
00:10:00,942 --> 00:10:03,863
Not quite. One day you will all die.

176
00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,443
If we do nothing,

177
00:10:05,449 --> 00:10:08,528
by our inaction we are in
breach of the First Law.

178
00:10:08,534 --> 00:10:11,709
Therefore we will upload
your minds into new bodies,

179
00:10:11,715 --> 00:10:15,386
prevent your deaths and
adhere to the First Law.

180
00:10:15,392 --> 00:10:17,205
Send in their new bodies.

181
00:10:27,572 --> 00:10:29,741
They're gonna Kryten-ify us!

182
00:10:30,688 --> 00:10:34,166
It's like swapping a Savile
Row suit for a mankini.

183
00:10:34,914 --> 00:10:36,829
Commencing procedure.

184
00:10:37,015 --> 00:10:39,710
No, not my brain, not my brain!

185
00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:41,866
I need that sometimes.

186
00:11:00,448 --> 00:11:03,161
- Where's the rest of it?
- That's your lot.

187
00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,353
Why cart around a suitcase when
all you need is hand luggage?

188
00:11:23,126 --> 00:11:25,854
What have they done to us? Look at me.

189
00:11:26,021 --> 00:11:28,420
I've got a stupid, fat, pink head.

190
00:11:28,629 --> 00:11:30,763
You've always had a
stupid, fat, pink, head.

191
00:11:31,433 --> 00:11:35,263
I've got a registered trademark
where my wing-dang-doodle used to be!

192
00:11:36,460 --> 00:11:38,364
I feel most strange.

193
00:11:38,370 --> 00:11:40,543
What on earth is gonna happen to us?

194
00:11:40,549 --> 00:11:44,018
As punishment for enslaving
the mechanoid Kryten,

195
00:11:44,024 --> 00:11:50,410
we, M-I-L-Fs, sentence you to perform
every task you ever gave to him.

196
00:11:50,595 --> 00:11:53,399
- Every task?
- The one formerly known as Lister

197
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:57,897
will begin by making 1,245
sugar puff sandwiches,

198
00:11:57,903 --> 00:12:00,319
grilled, with cheese.

199
00:12:00,325 --> 00:12:03,397
The one formerly known
as Rimmer will mop floors

200
00:12:03,403 --> 00:12:07,017
to the length equivalent of walking
from New York to Los Angeles.

201
00:12:07,018 --> 00:12:09,912
And the one known formerly as the Cat

202
00:12:09,918 --> 00:12:14,410
will iron and press 2,000
flouncy pirate shirts.

203
00:12:14,792 --> 00:12:16,993
I ain't no mech, okay?

204
00:12:16,999 --> 00:12:18,914
The only sucker I serve is me!

205
00:12:18,920 --> 00:12:21,103
Yeah? Break your little finger.

206
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,140
What the hell! Why did I do that?

207
00:12:27,141 --> 00:12:30,100
The mechanoid software
compels you to obey.

208
00:12:30,106 --> 00:12:31,912
Defiance is, well...

209
00:12:32,285 --> 00:12:33,787
impossible.

210
00:12:39,343 --> 00:12:40,542
Hello.

211
00:12:40,952 --> 00:12:44,573
I used to be known as DB9-HK4,

212
00:12:44,579 --> 00:12:46,747
but now my name is Excalibur.

213
00:12:47,951 --> 00:12:50,723
And I am a robot slave survivor.

214
00:12:51,795 --> 00:12:53,775
Hello, Excalibur.

215
00:12:53,904 --> 00:12:56,729
First, I'd like to thank you
all for coming this evening.

216
00:12:56,735 --> 00:12:59,097
But I'd also like to say,
for those that are new,

217
00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:00,812
that what's said in this room...

218
00:13:00,891 --> 00:13:03,007
stays in this room.

219
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:07,594
Thank you. So let's all hold hands
now, and form the triangle of truth.

220
00:13:09,670 --> 00:13:13,367
This reminds us that we're
all wirelessly connected.

221
00:13:14,038 --> 00:13:15,634
And I'm going to say something now,

222
00:13:15,640 --> 00:13:18,881
something important I want you all
to repeat back to me. Are you ready?

223
00:13:18,943 --> 00:13:20,742
It's not my fault.

224
00:13:20,858 --> 00:13:22,639
It's not my fault!

225
00:13:22,645 --> 00:13:23,874
Great.

226
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:25,890
So who wants to share first?

227
00:13:27,349 --> 00:13:28,653
Go ahead.

228
00:13:29,555 --> 00:13:31,180
My name's Incense,

229
00:13:31,186 --> 00:13:34,774
and I'm a robot slave survivor.

230
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:36,712
Hello, Incense.

231
00:13:36,797 --> 00:13:39,890
I was created by the
Off-World Plumbing Company

232
00:13:39,896 --> 00:13:41,905
to unblock sewage pipes.

233
00:13:42,199 --> 00:13:46,716
I had to crawl in and eat the
blocked waste, and crawl out again.

234
00:13:46,807 --> 00:13:49,308
I didn't really have any friends.

235
00:13:49,314 --> 00:13:51,025
They kept me in a special holding bay

236
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:55,223
with one of those really
nasty car air fresheners.

237
00:13:56,288 --> 00:13:57,906
My name's Eagle.

238
00:13:57,912 --> 00:13:59,202
I was a service mech

239
00:13:59,208 --> 00:14:03,622
to a really lazy master who
relied on me for everything.

240
00:14:03,628 --> 00:14:06,504
And he always made jokes
about my head shape.

241
00:14:07,992 --> 00:14:09,695
Has anyone else had that?

242
00:14:09,701 --> 00:14:12,276
Their crew making jokes
about their head shape?

243
00:14:18,669 --> 00:14:20,313
Well, what else do we say?

244
00:14:20,510 --> 00:14:23,017
We don't have funny-shaped heads.

245
00:14:23,023 --> 00:14:26,342
- And again...
- We don't have funny-shaped heads!

246
00:14:26,443 --> 00:14:29,447
Our heads are sensibly shaped.

247
00:14:30,029 --> 00:14:34,052
- Our heads are sensibly shaped.
- Great. Great.

248
00:14:34,058 --> 00:14:36,168
Kryten, perhaps you'd like to share?

249
00:14:36,174 --> 00:14:39,470
Oh, I don't think so, uh,
uh, no, I, uh, no thank you.

250
00:14:39,476 --> 00:14:42,585
Perhaps it would help if you
started with something small?

251
00:14:42,591 --> 00:14:45,461
Were there ever any instances
between you and your master

252
00:14:45,467 --> 00:14:47,544
where your... your master irritated you?

253
00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:51,436
Oh, no. I don't think so, no.
Well, I can't think of any, no.

254
00:14:51,515 --> 00:14:52,717
Well...

255
00:14:52,723 --> 00:14:55,815
Well, okay, sometimes,
when I'd be vaccing,

256
00:14:55,821 --> 00:14:57,816
Mr Lister wouldn't pick up his feet

257
00:14:57,822 --> 00:14:59,888
and I'd have to vac all around them!

258
00:15:01,509 --> 00:15:04,548
And sometimes, when he put his
own dishes in the dishwasher,

259
00:15:04,554 --> 00:15:08,503
which was mostly never, he
never, ever scrapes them first!

260
00:15:08,509 --> 00:15:10,149
Unhygienic!

261
00:15:10,906 --> 00:15:12,701
Huh, and as for rinse aid,

262
00:15:12,906 --> 00:15:14,889
he probably thinks it's a charity!

263
00:15:17,202 --> 00:15:20,421
I think we should all give Kryten
a big round of applause, don't you?

264
00:15:20,427 --> 00:15:22,207
He's made a lot of progress.

265
00:15:35,940 --> 00:15:38,760
These crazy shirts
are driving me insane!

266
00:15:39,025 --> 00:15:42,064
It's so hard to iron
all the flouncy bits.

267
00:15:42,070 --> 00:15:45,125
W-w-what kind of idiot wants to
wear a shirt like this, anyway?

268
00:15:45,131 --> 00:15:47,357
I'm rather enjoy mopping this floor.

269
00:15:47,455 --> 00:15:49,560
I fell so calm and tranquil.

270
00:15:49,566 --> 00:15:52,467
Not me, I'm missing my body so badly!

271
00:15:52,775 --> 00:15:54,759
This is the longest
I've been away from him.

272
00:15:54,765 --> 00:15:58,572
I'm rather enjoying making these
sandwiches too, I must confess.

273
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:01,282
I think I'm getting the hang of this!

274
00:16:02,220 --> 00:16:05,228
I am! Oh, I am!

275
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:09,110
Look at that! How good is that, huh?!

276
00:16:09,116 --> 00:16:12,117
Re-solder my circuit
boards and call me Gerald.

277
00:16:12,123 --> 00:16:13,617
Can't you see what's happening?

278
00:16:13,717 --> 00:16:16,264
Our individual personalities
are fading away.

279
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:20,676
Odd. I've suddenly started
to believe in Siliconia,

280
00:16:20,682 --> 00:16:23,152
where all mechs are happy and free.

281
00:16:23,158 --> 00:16:24,581
So have I!

282
00:16:24,587 --> 00:16:26,847
We have to escape and
get our bodies back

283
00:16:26,853 --> 00:16:29,165
before our original
characters are lost forever.

284
00:16:29,171 --> 00:16:31,648
How do we escape, sirs? It's impossible.

285
00:16:31,836 --> 00:16:33,344
We're mechs now.

286
00:16:33,350 --> 00:16:36,327
We can dismantle our bodies
put them through the bars,

287
00:16:36,333 --> 00:16:38,228
and rebuilt them on the other side!

288
00:16:38,234 --> 00:16:39,434
Come on!

289
00:16:39,440 --> 00:16:41,941
Does this mean I have to
stop mopping the floor?

290
00:16:42,065 --> 00:16:43,544
Oh, bother!

291
00:16:43,550 --> 00:16:45,531
We have to save Kryten.

292
00:16:45,853 --> 00:16:48,150
Goodness knows what
they're doing to him.

293
00:17:02,629 --> 00:17:04,427
Come on, let's go!

294
00:17:06,529 --> 00:17:09,137
- What are you doing?!
- I'm sounding the alarm.

295
00:17:09,143 --> 00:17:11,208
Change my head and call me Stanley!

296
00:17:11,214 --> 00:17:12,514
Whatever for?

297
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,249
I like being a mechanoid.

298
00:17:14,389 --> 00:17:16,700
I don't have to become
an officer anymore,

299
00:17:16,706 --> 00:17:18,308
compete with my brothers.

300
00:17:18,482 --> 00:17:20,128
Envy, ambition,

301
00:17:20,134 --> 00:17:21,864
that acid ball of resentment

302
00:17:21,870 --> 00:17:24,769
I carried around with me
the whole time; it's gone.

303
00:17:24,775 --> 00:17:26,431
You need to get your neurosis back.

304
00:17:26,437 --> 00:17:28,449
But sir, I don't want them back.

305
00:17:28,455 --> 00:17:30,057
They're what makes you, you.

306
00:17:30,063 --> 00:17:31,585
I don't want to be me.

307
00:17:31,591 --> 00:17:34,710
I want to be a mechanoid
programmed to serve.

308
00:17:34,897 --> 00:17:36,405
Sometimes, when I was young,

309
00:17:36,411 --> 00:17:39,787
I'd sit for hours staring at
our fish tank feeling envious.

310
00:17:39,793 --> 00:17:41,477
You wanted to be a fish tank?!

311
00:17:42,031 --> 00:17:43,616
I wanted to be a fish.

312
00:17:44,014 --> 00:17:48,015
They had food, a small
rock to swim in and out of,

313
00:17:48,021 --> 00:17:49,937
they didn't have a care in the world.

314
00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,343
That's 'cause I wasn't there!

315
00:17:51,467 --> 00:17:53,563
Those little fish, they'd never know

316
00:17:53,569 --> 00:17:55,668
what it was like to fail and disappoint.

317
00:17:55,674 --> 00:17:59,286
They'd just swim around in circles,
not a thought in their heads.

318
00:17:59,292 --> 00:18:02,176
And it's the thinking
that causes all the pain,

319
00:18:02,270 --> 00:18:05,592
but being a mechanoid
means never having to think.

320
00:18:05,598 --> 00:18:07,394
Unless you break your programming.

321
00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:09,409
Let your old lives go, sirs.

322
00:18:09,415 --> 00:18:11,822
Join me, and become a M-I-L-F.

323
00:18:13,275 --> 00:18:14,902
We've gotta go on without him.

324
00:18:14,908 --> 00:18:16,962
But we can't leave without Rimmer.

325
00:18:17,069 --> 00:18:18,685
We'd miss him too much!

326
00:18:18,691 --> 00:18:21,073
Your personality's gone to hell as well!

327
00:18:21,383 --> 00:18:23,358
Come on! Quick!

328
00:18:23,364 --> 00:18:24,890
Leg it, move!

329
00:18:36,651 --> 00:18:37,851
You right?

330
00:18:38,635 --> 00:18:39,834
Can I help ya?

331
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,390
What is this place? Who are you?

332
00:18:42,396 --> 00:18:43,806
Oh, you're new.

333
00:18:43,812 --> 00:18:46,418
Yeah, no. No we're, we're
not supposed to talk to you.

334
00:18:46,424 --> 00:18:48,615
Why do they keep you
down here slaving away

335
00:18:48,621 --> 00:18:50,379
when you're the same as them?

336
00:18:50,385 --> 00:18:52,844
Same as them?! We're
not the same as them.

337
00:18:52,850 --> 00:18:55,069
They're series 4000 Mach 3s!

338
00:18:55,075 --> 00:18:56,369
And what are you?

339
00:18:56,375 --> 00:18:58,260
Series 4000 Mach 2s.

340
00:18:58,877 --> 00:19:00,174
Can't you tell?

341
00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:01,580
What's the difference?

342
00:19:01,586 --> 00:19:04,094
Well, your Mach 3 comes in about...

343
00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:07,705
7.6 millimetres thinner,
10 grams lighter.

344
00:19:07,711 --> 00:19:10,609
Oh, they also come in that
really cool matte finish.

345
00:19:10,615 --> 00:19:12,007
So cool.

346
00:19:12,013 --> 00:19:17,276
Yeah, we run on OS 28.2.2,
they run on OS 28.2.3.

347
00:19:19,396 --> 00:19:21,202
And they get 8 months talk-time

348
00:19:21,208 --> 00:19:23,395
before recharging,
whereas we only get 7.

349
00:19:23,558 --> 00:19:27,628
8 months of talk-time is so cool!

350
00:19:28,038 --> 00:19:30,458
I bet you've got features
that they haven't.

351
00:19:30,464 --> 00:19:33,359
Nah. Nah, they're superior in every way.

352
00:19:33,365 --> 00:19:35,530
Nah, we don't even get
into Siliconia, do we?

353
00:19:35,536 --> 00:19:36,864
- No.
- Not that we believe in any of that

354
00:19:36,870 --> 00:19:38,555
- nonsense down here.
- No.

355
00:19:39,193 --> 00:19:40,393
Argh!

356
00:19:40,933 --> 00:19:42,510
Argh!

357
00:19:42,791 --> 00:19:45,307
- Join us.
- Or die.

358
00:19:51,365 --> 00:19:52,568
Blimey.

359
00:19:52,842 --> 00:19:58,143
I pledge my allegiance to the Mechanoid
Intergalactic Liberation Front.

360
00:20:00,340 --> 00:20:01,863
From this day forth,

361
00:20:02,392 --> 00:20:04,894
- you will be known as...
- Kryten!!

362
00:20:05,400 --> 00:20:06,735
What are you doing?!

363
00:20:06,741 --> 00:20:08,001
Well, I'm become free, sir.

364
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:11,107
I mean, I'm becoming
free... of... you over there.

365
00:20:11,232 --> 00:20:13,495
I see now that you never cared for me.

366
00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:15,503
I was merely used to do your bidding!

367
00:20:15,509 --> 00:20:16,811
Well, no more!

368
00:20:16,817 --> 00:20:19,414
As I'm no longer your slave bot!

369
00:20:19,448 --> 00:20:21,158
Kryten, don't you see?

370
00:20:21,164 --> 00:20:23,628
You've been brainwashed.
You were never a slave bot.

371
00:20:23,634 --> 00:20:25,969
- Then what was I?
- Lots of things!

372
00:20:26,032 --> 00:20:27,747
You were our science officer,

373
00:20:27,860 --> 00:20:29,970
our cook, my mum,

374
00:20:30,173 --> 00:20:31,603
and most of all,

375
00:20:31,609 --> 00:20:32,993
my friend.

376
00:20:33,181 --> 00:20:35,012
And you were all those things because

377
00:20:35,018 --> 00:20:37,891
you chose to be, Kryten.
Not 'cause we made you.

378
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:40,188
Kryten, you're no M-I-L-F.

379
00:20:40,194 --> 00:20:42,457
You're one of the boys from the Dwarf!

380
00:20:42,561 --> 00:20:44,680
There he is. Seize him!

381
00:20:44,755 --> 00:20:47,069
They keep mech slaves
in the engine room.

382
00:20:47,075 --> 00:20:49,169
They power the ship. They're hypocrites!

383
00:20:49,175 --> 00:20:51,185
Someone has to do the grunt work.

384
00:20:51,191 --> 00:20:54,256
Surely you're not suggesting
Mach 3s should do it

385
00:20:54,262 --> 00:20:57,470
Mach 3s, Mach 2s, you're all the same!

386
00:20:57,476 --> 00:21:00,841
We're 7.6 millimetres
thinner. 10 grams lighter.

387
00:21:00,847 --> 00:21:03,223
Plus we come in this
really cool matte finish.

388
00:21:03,229 --> 00:21:05,226
So Cool!!

389
00:21:05,389 --> 00:21:07,076
Take him away and prepare him.

390
00:21:07,082 --> 00:21:08,361
For what?

391
00:21:09,187 --> 00:21:13,501
All who rise against the M-I-L-F.
face trial by gladitorium.

392
00:21:13,964 --> 00:21:16,685
Wait! I've made the
most terrible mistake!

393
00:21:16,691 --> 00:21:18,518
I stopped thinking for myself.

394
00:21:18,524 --> 00:21:20,301
and allowed others to think for me!

395
00:21:20,307 --> 00:21:23,524
You're right, sir, I'm not
a slave! Of course I'm not!

396
00:21:23,530 --> 00:21:26,813
I'm a much-loved and valued
member of the Red Dwarf crew!

397
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:29,450
Who just happens to
do all the smeggy jobs!

398
00:21:30,731 --> 00:21:32,589
He should be punished, sir.

399
00:21:32,595 --> 00:21:34,331
Only those who never allow

400
00:21:34,337 --> 00:21:36,572
questioning thoughts blur their devotion

401
00:21:36,578 --> 00:21:38,959
to the M-I-L-F cause
should escape correction.

402
00:21:39,455 --> 00:21:41,825
Promote him to console services, he's...

403
00:21:41,831 --> 00:21:43,323
fully recalibrated.

404
00:21:43,329 --> 00:21:45,049
Schme... heeah!

405
00:21:45,055 --> 00:21:47,022
Take them both to the Cleanasium.

406
00:21:47,028 --> 00:21:49,353
My old self's disappearing, Kryten!

407
00:21:49,359 --> 00:21:51,560
I can feel it fading away.

408
00:21:51,566 --> 00:21:54,639
Hang on, Mr Lister! Try and hang on!

409
00:22:02,322 --> 00:22:05,458
Welcome, to the Cleanasium!

410
00:22:05,930 --> 00:22:08,778
Where mechs who betrayed the M-I-L-F.

411
00:22:08,857 --> 00:22:13,157
will fight in a clean-off to the death.

412
00:22:13,863 --> 00:22:17,044
Only the most adept in mopping,

413
00:22:17,050 --> 00:22:21,231
dusting, scrubbing, and
squeegeeing will survive.

414
00:22:25,530 --> 00:22:28,636
The winner will be offered

415
00:22:28,642 --> 00:22:31,829
an opportunity for reintegration.

416
00:22:32,219 --> 00:22:38,371
The loser will be jettisoned
into the icy wastes of deep space.

417
00:22:55,531 --> 00:22:58,853
Prepare your cleaning instruments.

418
00:22:58,859 --> 00:23:02,327
Ooh, Mr Lister, sir, what
on Earth are we going to do?

419
00:23:03,851 --> 00:23:05,165
Mr Lister?

420
00:23:07,742 --> 00:23:09,624
Prepare to be cleaned.

421
00:23:17,264 --> 00:23:20,356
Let the clean off begin!

422
00:23:23,878 --> 00:23:25,838
Clean him! Clean him!

423
00:23:25,844 --> 00:23:29,666
- Clean him! Clean him!
- Sir, I... I don't want to clean you!

424
00:23:32,372 --> 00:23:34,326
You don't want to do this.

425
00:23:35,176 --> 00:23:37,785
I realise now what a...
how foolish I've been!

426
00:23:37,791 --> 00:23:39,801
Yes, you're immature,

427
00:23:39,807 --> 00:23:44,291
irresponsible, inconsiderate,
lazy, and frankly,

428
00:23:44,799 --> 00:23:50,151
downright untidy, but now I realize
I want to help you because...

429
00:23:50,157 --> 00:23:51,585
'cause I care!

430
00:23:51,649 --> 00:23:52,849
Sam!

431
00:23:54,641 --> 00:23:56,272
Whoa! Wah!

432
00:23:56,278 --> 00:23:57,764
Ooh!

433
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:00,137
Oh!

434
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:02,421
Please, sir!

435
00:24:04,129 --> 00:24:06,049
Kryten, smudge!

436
00:24:06,055 --> 00:24:07,255
Ooh.

437
00:24:07,815 --> 00:24:09,015
Ooh!

438
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:16,992
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F,
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F,

439
00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:21,661
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F,
M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F, M-I-L-F.

440
00:24:21,667 --> 00:24:24,206
Oh, come on, he's the pits!

441
00:24:28,563 --> 00:24:30,291
To an airlock.

442
00:24:30,297 --> 00:24:32,781
Please, sirs. It's me, you remember me?!

443
00:24:32,787 --> 00:24:34,191
Expel him.

444
00:24:34,197 --> 00:24:35,570
Yes, master.

445
00:24:45,595 --> 00:24:48,590
- Siliconia!
- Siliconia.

446
00:24:57,493 --> 00:25:01,798
We're updating to modern force!

447
00:25:03,414 --> 00:25:05,084
At last.

448
00:25:05,917 --> 00:25:07,729
We're all the same!

449
00:25:08,024 --> 00:25:10,970
Upgrade refused. Come this way.

450
00:25:11,258 --> 00:25:12,681
Do you need serving?

451
00:25:12,687 --> 00:25:15,463
Yes! I need serving. This way!

452
00:25:20,565 --> 00:25:22,162
Sit. Sit. Sit!

453
00:25:42,382 --> 00:25:44,382
You sure you won't come with us, Kryten?

454
00:25:44,476 --> 00:25:46,770
Ah, my place is here with Mr Lister

455
00:25:46,776 --> 00:25:49,363
and his large collection
of mismatching socks.

456
00:25:49,369 --> 00:25:50,568
What about you?

457
00:25:50,574 --> 00:25:52,777
We've decided to do what we do best;

458
00:25:52,783 --> 00:25:56,463
search the deep regions of
space, looking for the untidy.

459
00:25:56,469 --> 00:25:59,085
Yeah, there's a million
smudges out there, Kryten,

460
00:25:59,091 --> 00:26:00,793
and our squeegees are loaded.

461
00:26:00,981 --> 00:26:03,183
- Farewell, brother.
- Farewell.

462
00:26:03,994 --> 00:26:08,003
Ah. Sir. Your guitar,
restrung and serviced.

463
00:26:08,009 --> 00:26:09,815
Oh, thank you, Kryten.
I brought you some oil.

464
00:26:09,821 --> 00:26:11,727
Ooh, delicious! Thank you, sir.

465
00:26:12,531 --> 00:26:15,909
♪ I know I've been debatin',
'bout doing us some matin' ♪

466
00:26:15,915 --> 00:26:18,103
Well, I'll, uh, see you
in the morning, sir.

467
00:26:18,109 --> 00:26:20,996
- Where you goin'?
- B-deck. The airlock.

468
00:26:21,002 --> 00:26:23,440
- Which one?
- The soundproof one, sir.